Oh Henri...LMSAO!

I <3 You

I <3 You

Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever!

  1. Nice legs. What time do they open?
  2. You must be jelly ‘cause jam don’t shake like that!
  3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
  4. If its true that we are what we eat…I could be you by morning.
  5. You know if I were you…I would have sex with me.
  6. Hi I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
  7. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  8. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock!
  9. Your name must be Daisy ‘cause I have the incredible urge to plant you right here.
  10. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  11. You must be the limp doctor ‘cause I’ve got a stiffy.
  12. If you were a hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
  13. Hi, I’m a necrophiliac. How good are you at playing dead?
  14. You must be Jamaican ‘cause Jamaican me crazy.
  15. Want to play conductor? I’ll be the engineer and I’ll go choo choo.
  16. If you’re going to regret this in the morning…we can sleep ‘til the afternoon.
  17. The fact that I’m missing teeth just means there’s more room for your tongue.
  18. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
  19. I may not be the best looking guy here but I’m the only one talking to you.
  20. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.
  21. Hi. My name is _____. Remember it ‘cause you’ll be screaming it all night long.
  22. I know milk does a body good but damn…how much have you been drinking?
  23. I wish I were a door so I could slam you all day.
  24. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti…Iet’s go fuck.
  25. You’ve got 206 bones in your body. Want one more?
  26. My name isn’t Elmo but you can tickle me anytime you want.
  27. Baby I’m an American Express lover…You shouldn’t go home without me.
No Longer Giving A Shit!

No Longer Giving A Shit!

Monkey at the Bar

  • A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
  • The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy shockingly.
  • Bartender: Did you see what your monkey just did?
  • Guy: No, what?
  • Bartender: He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!
  • Guy: Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. He eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue
  • ball.
  • The guy finished his drink, paid his bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
  • Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
  • Bartender: Did you see what your monkey just did?
  • Guy: No, what?
  • Bartender: Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!
  • Bartender: Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. He will eat anything but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
I&#8217;m Great In Bed&#8230;I Can Sleep For Days.

I’m Great In Bed…I Can Sleep For Days.

Things To Do On An Elevator

  1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
  2. Ask if you can push the buttons for other people but then push the wrong ones.
  3. Call the psychic hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
  4. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to pick it up for you then scream “THAT’S MINE!”
  5. Lay down a twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
  6. Stand really close to someone and sniff them occasionally.
  7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
  8. Swat at flies that don’t exist.
  9. Tell people you can see their aura.
  10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  11. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and stand in it then announce to the other people “THIS IS MY PERSONAL SPACE.”
  12. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  13. Move your desk into the elevator and when someone gets on, ask them if they have an appointment.
  14. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review the emergency and exit procedures with the other passengers.
  15. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and mutter “SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU, JUST SHUT UP.”
  16. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other people.
  17. Stand silently and motionless in the elevator corner but face the wall at all times.
  18. Grin and stare at another person for awhile and then tell them “I HAVE NEW SOCKS ON.”
  19. Leave a box in the corner of the elevator and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
  20. Push the buttons and pretend to be getting electrocuted then smile and go back for more.
People I Want to Punch in the Face&#8230;My Never-Ending Book!

People I Want to Punch in the Face…My Never-Ending Book!

A B C D E F G H I J K‏

  • After being married for many years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
  • Husband: You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
  • Wife: What does that mean?
  • Husband: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
  • She smiled happily.
  • Wife: Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?
  • Husband: I'm Just Kidding!
Help Wanted

Help Wanted

Sex is when a guy’s information
Enters a girl’s communication
To increase the population
For a younger generation
Do you get the information?
Or do you need a demonstration?

Don&#8217;t even think about it Mofo!

Don’t even think about it Mofo!

TOP 10 ACTUAL EMAIL ADDRESSES

1.  Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) 

ibballin@bsu.edu

2.  Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) 

btkisser@bendover.com

3.  Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) 

eatonsht@dku.edu

4.  Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)

aspicker@pu.edu

5.  Isabelle Hayden Adcock (Toys R US)

ihadcock@tru.com

6.  Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)

dickinme@iup.edu

7.  Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)

kissinfk@lvu.edu

8.  Barbara Joan Beeranger (MyPlace Home Decorating)

beeranbj@myplace.com

9.  Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University)

cumminme@fu.edu

10. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)

blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

Parting is such sweet sorrow&#8230;

Parting is such sweet sorrow…

Our Ode To Sunday (After A Fun Saturday Night)

Starkle Starkle litt twink
Who the hell are you I think?
I’m not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol
I’m not durnk like thinkle peep
I don’t know who is me yet
But the drunker I stand here, the longer I get
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup
‘Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.

Awww&#8230;adorable!

Awww…adorable!